Life's True Meaning!!

Some quoted that 'to be alive is to be able to feel pain".. is that even true? literally, you'll know you're alive when you feel any emotions, which of course include pains, happiness, loneliness or any other kind of feelings.. I did feel the pain.. it hurts so much that I can barely move or think clearly, even my vision was hazy and I'm not exaggerating things.. it's been 2 days since this painful headache started.. but I didn't feel alive at all.. it just hurt me so much.. stupid quotes can only be quoted by stupid people..

My blog's entitled The Vanguard.. meaning the frontal attack force in the army.. the first group that will jump into the battlefield.. my descriptions says " Mencari dan mendalami makna sebenar lafaz kalimah syahadah".. kalimah syahadah is an oath that you make saying that Allah is the Only Almighty and Prophet Muhammad is His servant..

this says that I'm the vanguard for Allah and His Religion, Islam.. yet, with each passing days, I'm drifting away for Him and His teaching.. I'm the biggest hypocrite, the best liar ever.. in front of my friends, I act so pious, yet deep inside I'm the baddest people ever..

how can I be alive if none of His teaching I've done?

that's the truth of me..
a living dead hypocrite..
dead, with no Islamic teaching in me, never care about my sholat, my deeds..

I'm worthy of nobody..

feeling my emptiness with void and solitary..